It was 4th grade...

We have survived the first week of school at our house.  The boys are now in kindergarten and for the first time, they are apart most of the day.  The decision to ask for separate classrooms for them wasn't easy. Then again, most parenting decisions are seldom easy.  Unless you are telling your child he has no use for an iPod at age 5.  Now that one is quite easy.

Candace is starting fourth grade, and happy-go- lucky as usual.   She has her best friends in class with her, the teacher she wanted, and life is as good as it can be, through the eyes of a nine year old.  

Every year, I pray they get good teachers.  Teachers who will not only teach them everything they need to know, but who will also make learning an exciting adventure.  I want them to have teachers like the ones I had,  teachers who will inspire them to never stop learning, who will make school a fascinating place and every school year an exciting one.

Most of my teachers were like that, with the exception of my 4th grade teacher.   She made quite an impression on me and for all the wrong reasons. 

By the time I made it to 4th grade,  I had good study habits and just LOVED school.  If they had told me I had to attend year round, I would have been the happiest kid on earth.  Learning and studying came easy for me because I had had such great teachers until then.

Fourth grade started like any other normal year for me until my teacher and I had our first "incident".  I still remember how the classroom looked, where I was sitting on that particular day, how much light was coming through the windows and the beautiful trees I could see on the other side of them. 

The teacher asked the class a question, and no one besides me raised their hand.  But she didn't call on me.  She simply ignored me and kept on with the lesson.  She asked a few more questions, and again, no one but me raised their hand.  She scowled and called on me.  I gave her the answer, and it so happened I was right.  

It was time for recess and as I was walking out of the classroom passed her, she pulled me back by my ponytail. 

She was a tall, hefty woman, and I was a tiny 9 year old, much smaller than Candace is.  Imagine for a second this woman, pulling on my ponytail, and holding my head back so she could look me in the eyes and say "You think you are very smart, don't you?".  

I vividly remember looking straight into her eyes, and replying "Yes, I AM smart", and the look of disgust in her face when she realized she had not intimidated me.

I went home and told my parents, and my dad went to school the next day to speak to her.  I'm not sure what all he said, but she never spoke to me that way again or put a hand on me.  She barely made eye contact the rest of the school year.  I still made As and was at the top of my class but the impression this woman made on me has remained even 28 years later.

Without knowing, she taught me a valuable lesson, how to stand up for myself, regardless of how formidable my opponent may be.  She didn't ruin my love for school, she didn't make me self conscious about my ability to learn and do well.  I wonder now if I did so well to prove to her I was smart and not afraid to show it.

I'm not sure what became of her, or if she ever treated another child the same way she treated me.  I surely hope not.  I pray no one ever does that to any of my kids either, or any child for that matter.

On Life and other things

It has been a while since I blogged.  Blame it on life, I simply got busy, then started thinking I really have nothing to say.  You can figure out the rest.

I still may not have anything to say but blogging is quite therapeutic for me, and lord knows, I'm in need of therapy these days.  So here it goes.

Summer is here, and with it, the most torturous time in a woman's life: Bathing Suit Season.  Life was so much easier 10 years ago, when I was fit and in great shape, and stupid enough to pass on the opportunity to wear a two piece.

Here I am now, older, wiser (ha!), and with three kids who love everything water.  Of course, I no longer have that body, but now I'm forced to either go to the pool in a t-shirt and shorts, or find a bathing suit that "flatters" my new figure.

The first thing people tell me when I say I'm on a diet is "why, you don't need to lose weight".  Well, looks can be (and are in my case) deceiving.  I can afford to lose 15 pounds and still be within the recommended weight range for my height.  But that's easier said than done.  The older I've gotten, the harder it is to get rid of the weight.  So I'm embarking (again!) on that journey.  Wish me luck.  I love food.

As if trying to lose weight was not enough, I've also been dealing with the "blues" lately.  And I don't mean the BB King, Breeze Kings type. 

Call it the blues, depression, under the weather, it really boils down to one thing, you just feel blah, without energy or desire to do anything, not even those things you enjoy the most.

I have found most people have a misguided idea that one has to have a reason to be depressed in order to suffer from depression.  If I had a $1 for every time I've been asked "why are you depressed, you have a great _______", I'd have enough money to take a European vacation.

I'm no expert when it comes to mental illness, but I do know, in my case at least, I don't need a reason.  It just happens.  I've been told by those who know more about depression than I, that it can be caused by stress.  well, hello!  Working mother of 3 on aisle one!  

Other people have pointed out I must not be a good Christian, otherwise I would not be affected by depression.  Their logic is, if you trust in the Lord, then you don't have anything to be worried/stressed about.  Sounds simple, right?  In my opinion, if they were better Christians, they would be trying to HELP, not JUDGE.  But I digress.

Different people get affected differently, and for me stress is a trigger.  Most of the time I can "see" it coming, I can notice when doing normal things becomes harder and when the things I enjoy fall by the wayside.  I missed all the signs this last time, and didn't realize what was happening until it had already happened.  It took having an anxiety attack (another one of those fun side effects) to realize something was off.

Thing is, most people don't have a clue I've been dealing with this.  I still get out of bed every day, go to work every day, take care of the house/kids/chores/husband (not in that order), and do the things that need to get done in order to keep our life in order.  

Some people think depressed people are in a dark room, sleep all the time, never seeing anyone.  I guess there are some of those people out there, but I'm not one of them.  Unless you knew me well, you probably wouldn't see a difference in me.

Aside from the "blah" feeling, my body sends me signals too.  I get the aches and pains that make me wonder if my parents got my birthday wrong in the birth certificate.  All of those are a sign that something is off.

I'm on the other side of the D valley now.  One step at a time, climbing back out of the pit.  Good days and bad days.  Granted, anyone who reads this will know, but those who don't, will probably not notice a difference at all.  

And that's my point for this rambling. (I do have a point!).  Never judge a book by its cover.  Someone may be dealing with something big and show no signs whatsoever.  Be kind to everyone and treat people as you would like to be treated; because you never know what they are dealing with.

One last word of advice, if someone tells you they are dealing with weight issues, or depression; be supportive.  Life is a challenge without having to answer 20 questions every time you share a bit about yourself with others.

Book Review: Love Walked In and Belong to me- Marisa de los Santos

There are books you read simply because you love books. You flip through the pages, discovering the characters, and taking a look into their lives.

Then there are books that touch something inside your heart. The characters are more than just people on paper, they become a part of your life, their lives intertwine with yours. You can feel what they feel, their happiness, their fears, their apprehensions.

Love Walked in, and Belong to me belong in latter category. At least for me.

I read Love Walked In first. I had come across it while looking for books in Paperback Swap several months ago. In all honesty, it was the author's name that first incited my curiosity. I love reading Spanish/Latin authors, and her name made me wonder about her heritage. Still that wasn't enough for me to request the book. Months passed before I stumbled upon it again and this time I decided to give it a shot and see what it is about. I'm glad I did.

The main characters in this novel are Cornelia and Clare. Cornelia is a coffee shop manager in Philadelphia, and Clare is an 11 year old girl. In the first chapters in the book, we meet them and find out that Cornelia is still trying to figure out the rest of her life, loves her family even if they can drive her crazy at times (isn't that true of all families?). Clare is an only child who has never met her father. She has an eccentric mother and has begun to worry that her mom is off because of her erratic behavior.

I have to admit, the first few chapters I simply didn't understand how these two characters would find their way to each other. And that was the reason I kept on reading the book. I was hooked then.

A handsome man walks in the coffee shop one day and Cornelia, who is a fan of old Hollywood movies, believes this is the man of her dreams. We see how their relationship develops and how Cornelia begins to suspect that, perhaps, she was too quick on her assessment of him being the perfect guy.

So where is the love that walked in, as the title suggests? It isn't a romantic love. Clare turns out to be the daughter of Cornelia's boyfriend, the one he never mentioned until Clare showed at his doorsteps, having been abandoned by her bipolar mother.

It is the love between Clare and Cornelia that touched my heart, the love that walked in. Once she gets over the initial shock, Cornelia realizes that Clare has no one and needs her. And she begins to realize how much she needs Clare too.

Through the book, we see the bond between Cornelia and Clare grow stronger, until they become family. Don't we all have those people in our life, who weren't born into our blood family but are family nonetheless? I know I do.

Cornelia finds real love, Clare finds her mother again, and the book ends with Cornelia making the difficult decision to put some distance between her and Clare to allow Clare and her mom to bond once again. It was the love between these two strangers that touched my heart and made me realize that this same type love is still alive in this world.

Belong to me is not a sequel to Love Walked in. But Cornelia, her now husband Teo, and Clare are in this book also. I read the book because I could not wait to see what had happened to Cornelia and Clare.

Cornelia chooses to move out of the city into suburbia. Clare is living with her mom, being a typical teenager. Cornelia struggles making new friends in a place where people worry so much about appearances, about their kids attending the right school, having a manicured lawn, etc.

We meet Dev who is an incredibly intelligent teenager trying to fit in. His mother moves him across the country and they settle in the same neighborhood as Cornelia and Teo. Dev has never met his father. Cornelia becomes friends with Dev's mother Lake.

There is also Piper who is a model suburbia mother, trying to keep all things in order while trying to be there for her best friend Elizabeth who is dying of cancer. Piper is not an easy character to like. But through the illness and death of Elizabeth we begin to see her human side. She and Cornelia eventually become friends.

I guess this book is more about secrets, about pretending to be something you are not, and about letting people into your life.
We all have secrets, some darker than others. In this book, we see those secrets come to the surface. Piper has secrets and begins to realize she has not allowed herself to live her life because she has been too worried about what people would think of her. Lake has a secret that has dictated her cross country move and that shakes her relationship with her son Dev after it is revealed.

We see Cornelia and Clare still close, still family. And when everyone's secrets finally come out, it is that closeness, that sense of family that allows Cornelia to get passed the hurt, the shock, and embrace this new family that has opened up.

I loved every character in these two books. I loved their humanity. I'm sure everyone knows at least one person who resembles one of the characters. They are real, they have emotions, secrets, and aspirations as the rest of us. And their lives may resemble our own. They are human to me, and they reminded me of the good still left in this world.

Book Review: Can you keep a secret? by Sophia Kinsella

I'm participating in a reading challenge this year. The fact is I love books but needed a way to "spice up" what I read. Hence my decision to do this book challenge. It has proven to be a good decision!

How did I come about this book? I guess I should start by saying this is not the type of book I normally would pick up at the library. In a normal day, I would have passed right by it without a second glance. But one of the categories for this challenge is a Random book. One you just stumble upon at random, without thinking.

I marched into the local library with the idea the chosen book would find its way into my hands. Isn't that how random works? I tried to recall all the theories about randomness I heard while in school. Alas, none came to me. Still I just knew the book would find its way into my hands.

And it did. As I was walking down the aisle, waiting for the book to say "pick me, pick me", this book with pink cover stood out. I had to pick it up. For starters, why a pink cover? I'm not a fan of pink, so that was clue #1 this book may be a contender. Under normal circumstances, the color of the cover alone would have made me pass right by it without a second glance. I read the title and I knew I had to read it. I had to find out what this secret was about.

The book I read is "Can you keep a secret" by Sophia Kinsella. I'll be honest, I had only heard of her at passing. I found out later she has a trilogy of Shopaholic books. I'm not a big shopper, so never had any desire of reading these books.

I read the book in 2 days, I simply could not put it down. It was the perfect book for the kind of week I was having. I had a house full of sick children and one adult, and needed something to help me unwind at the end of the day.
Call it chick lit, or whatever you want. The fact is the minute I met Emma Corrigan, I liked her. She reminded me of most every one of my friends, wrapped up in one. She is trying to get ahead in the corporate world, while trying to figure out what exactly she wants out of life. Haven't we all experienced that at some point in our lives? I know I have.

Emma happens to hate flying, not something I share with her, as I wish I could fly to work every single day. She is flying back home after disastrous work meeting and ends up telling all her secrets to a complete stranger on the plane. She thought she was going to die and felt the need to tell someone all those things. The plane had hit turbulence and she was absolutely certain this was it. So she spilled the beans, from how she is killing a coworker's plant by feeding orange juice to what type of underwear she despises, and everything in between.

To say I like Emma is an understatement. I liked her immediately, mostly because I cannot imagine ever sharing my secrets with a strange man on an airplane.

Turns out the stranger is the CEO of the company she works for. Of course, she has no idea who he is until he shows up at work the next day and she realizes that's the man from the plane.

Their story takes a lot of delicious twists and turns that could never be captured accurately in film. The type of stuff that makes you stay awake passed your bedtime (even though you have to be up before the crack of dawn) just because you have to know what's going to happen to Emma next.

I devoured this book as easily as I devour a Ghiardelli chocolate bar. Guilty pleasure. I enjoyed meeting Emma, rejoiced with her when she found love, and felt her pain when she had her heart broken on national tv.

As I said before, I love books. Some are easier to read than others, some have a complex plot line that requires you to pay attention so you don't miss a thing. If you are looking for a delightful story that will make you laugh out loud, and cheer for a unlikely heroine, this book is for you. If you want a break from big complex fiction plots and just want to read something lighthearted, this book is for you.

Reading Challenge

I love to read, and love books (as the collection of them all over my house will attest). So I've decided to participate in a reading challenge this year.

I found out about this challenge from a member of Paperback Swap (long story!) but I'm glad I did because I love challenges and this one should be fun. Wanna know more about the challenge? You can go to her page where it is all explained.

Every book I read I will review on this blog too. Maybe someone will want to pick one of these books, plus it will help keep track of all I've read so far.

Happy Reading!

Another year

So yesterday I added yet another year to my birthday number. I like birthdays. I know some people don't like to think about them because that means they are getting older.

But I like birthdays. As a kid, birthdays were a big celebration. Big party, entire neighborhood invited, grown up and kids celebrating together. Everyone happy to celebrate the birth of that particular person. We wore new outfits for the occasion and got showered with attention and love from everyone.

Even though I'm older, I still get excited about birthdays. Not because of the party or the presents, although those are nice too, but because they mean I made it through another year. I love the fact my birthday follows so closely to the new year. I don't have to wait months and months to start living another 'yearly adventure'.

Last year was a year of self discovery for me. You'd think at 37 I would know all there is to know about myself. I don't, and I hope I never do. The fact I'm still growing as a person and learning about myself means I'm still capable of dreaming. At least that's what it means to me.

Self discovery is not easy and it isn't always pleasant. This past year wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I stood in front of an imaginary mirror and took a hard look at the person I am. While looking, I found things I never noticed were there. Or may I did know, and simply hadn't paid much attention to it.

Regardless, the journey was difficult. I had to learn to accept the flaws that mirror showed me, the rough edges that are going to need some attention in the near future. But that journey, as difficult as it may have been, brought me to this point.

I am very comfortable with myself now. Make no mistake, I was comfortable with me when last year's birthday came. But I had no idea what the year would be like. I had no clue about the disappointments that loomed at a distance. I had no clue that my integrity and my character would be challenged. The person who emerged from this self discovery journey is stronger, and happier than the one who started the journey.

So here I stand, on day one of the next year of my life. I'm ready for whatever challenges will come my way this year. I am happier, and much more comfortable in my own skin. You know how people sometimes say "Oh, how I wish I could back to when I was X years old". I never have. Every year has been special and has left wonderful memories. But I wouldn't want to go back.

Sometimes I see the person I was at 23, and realize how little I knew then. The years that have passed since then have made me a stronger, more secure person. If I could give her advice, I would tell her nothing. She has to experience life for herself so she can reach this point in her life.

So I raise my glass and toast my last 37 years of life, and look forward to the next 37. May they all be full of adventures. Salud!!!

Illegal Immigrant Bill- MS Legislature

I'm pretty certain many of my friends are going to disagree with me on this post. I respect their opinion and I hope they grant me the same respect on mine.

I happened to notice this article today. Normally, I don't discuss my opinions on bills passed in the legislature with anyone beside my closest friends and family. If there is something I have learned through the years, you don't discuss religion or politics with people you aren't sure will be able to "agree to disagree" with you.

But this particular bill hits home for me because I am an IMMIGRANT. Note I capitalize that because there is a difference among immigrants. Some of us are here legally, others are not. This post isn't about illegal immigration per se.

What it is about is how I don't think this bill would help defray illegal immigrants from coming to the state looking for work. All this bill will do is nurture the fear and prejudice of people, who think all who are different from them represent a threat to their way of life.

I happen to be one of those people who is different. I am an immigrant, I speak another language beside English. And yes, people have said to my face I am a threat to them, that I am taking jobs from their family. I had to laugh, I hate to admit it. I laughed. I am a professional engineer with 2 degrees in Engineering but I was taking a job away from a high school dropout. Yet there are more people like this person out there.

I am a US citizen, have been a citizen for many years. Even before I became a citizen, I paid taxes like the rest of the people in this state. I'm also fortunate enough to serve the taxpayers of this state by the work I do for a state agency. As you see, I don't feel I'm a threat to anyone. I am a registered voter, I am involved in my community, I attend church regularly, I follow the letter of the law.

Yet if this bill becomes law, I will become a threat only because of the way I look. That law would give a police officer the right to stop me just because he has probable cause to think I may be an illegal immigrant. And that probable cause would be the way I look.

I know what you are thinking. Why are you worried if you are a US citizen? You have nothing to worry about. Not exactly. You see, none of you (black or white) walks around with a copy of your birth certificate in your pocket or purse. You don't have to. I have no proof of my citizenship in my purse either. I wasn't given a handy card I could carry in my pocket to prove to anyone I am a citizen of this country. I was given a 8" by 11" document that specifically says it is NOT to be copied for any purpose.

I have a driver license, but a driver license does not prove citizenship. I wonder how many people know that. So even though I have a driver license issued by this state, I could still be detained because it does not prove I am here legally or that I am a citizen.

I think the times and efforts of the MS Legislature would be better spent coming up with a bill that levies heavier penalties on companies who hired illegal workers. Companies are getting away with a slap on the wrist and little else.

Let's face it, people come here in search of the American dream. If they can't find it here because they are not finding jobs, they will leave. No one wants to live on the streets, folks, I can attest to it.

In my opinion, this bill will do nothing more than to nurture the prejudice and racism of some who think anyone who looks different than them is unworthy of living in civilized society.

Let's find a solution to the problem without alienating people, without making those of us lucky enough to stand out in a crowd feel like criminals, even when we are not.

And if it becomes law, look for me in the 10 o'clock news. I'll be the one screaming while getting arrested for not having proof of citizenship with me.

Working mother???

From time to time, the whole "working mother" dilemma raises up its ugly head and gets me all worked up.

You see, all mothers are working mothers. I have yet to meet one that didn't work. Being a working mom is part of the deal. It starts with feeding that tiny baby and it gets more demanding as the kids get older.
There are no sick days, no holidays, no vacation days. When you are sick, your "job" is still there, and boy, they expect you to take care of them just as if nothing was happening. Holidays? I'm willing to bet we work overtime without any extra pay. As for vacations, who else takes work with them on vacation?. Enough said.

You see, aside from being a mother, I am also an environmental engineer. I love what I do, I have the privilege of taking care of this beautiful earth God has entrusted us, and get paid for it. It is not easy to juggle a home with a job outside the house, but I feel my kids are well adjusted and know just how much I love them.

The part that aggravates me and gets me all riled up is when people assume that mothers who have a paid job outside their homes care less about their kids than those who can stay home with them. Let's get real. In today's world, it is very common for both parents to work in order to provide for their kids a good education, a comfortable home, and put food on the table. We are no exception to that.

We don't own fancy cars, we don't dress in expensive clothes, or take lavish vacations. We live within our means, and share our blessings with those less fortunate whenever we have a chance. The fact still remains I have to work. I just happen to be lucky enough to LOVE my job too.

That doesn't mean I don't love my kids. There is nothing I would not do for them. Except allowing them to go without food, or get less than an exceptional education. That I will not allow, specially when I am capable and willing to work to provide for them.

So yeah, I get insulted when people assume I work because I don't like being home with the kids. Or because my career is more important to me than the kids are. But the insult is even worse when it comes from another mother, one who is fortunate enough to be able to stay home with her kids.

Why must mothers put other mothers down? We are all in this together. I have good friends who work outside the home just like I do, and good friends who stay home with the kids. We are all on the same boat, trying to do what is best for our kids.

I know, we all tell ourselves our choices are the best choices. Some of us think our choice to work and provide a little extra for our kids is best; while others think staying home with them is the best decision. Whatever works for you and your family is the best decision, there is no "one choice fits all" in this situation.

So if you are a mom, regardless of whether you get a paycheck at your job, or your paycheck comes in hugs and kisses, please remember: We are all mothers, we all love our kids, and we are all in this together.

Our brain is doing what?

Santa delivered a Wii at our house this year. It's red and pretty and it can keep us occupied for hours. We can play tennis, baseball, golf, boxing, even go bowling without leaving our living room. Not to mention we can now watch movies through the internet. What can I say? It's one handy piece of technology.

My daughter also received (as a gift from my sister and her husband) a Rubix Cube . Remember those? In all honesty, I didn't even know they still made those. I was probably my daughter's age (9) when my sister got one. She was a teenager then and the Cube was all the rage. If you could solve it, you were a genius!

So Candace asked me what she was suppose to do with it. I explained to her what the objective of this game was, and that, while she tried to solve the cube, her brain would be making new connections, neurons would interact with one another, the whole brain synopsis would be happening, I was just explaining brain science to her, when she looked at it, and decided "it is too hard".

I was doing the dishes ( I do my best thinking when I do dishes) and realized this generation, my kids' generation, is growing up in world where movies no longer come in VHS or even DVDs; where they don't have to leave the comfort of their home in order to play golf, and where life can happen in a virtual world. Then I wonder, is that good for them, for their brains?

When I was a kid, we imagined everything. Leaves were actually paper money, and we used sticks, empty jars and cans and anything else we could find to play. We didn't own a Nintendo, or had electronic games. iPods? Ha! That was something out of the Jetsons.

Then I came across an article on NPR news. Scientists have determined our brains are shrinking. Yep, shrinking. Of course, as all scientific discoveries, one group of scientists thinks it is a good thing. It means we are getting less aggressive, etc. (you can read the whole article by clicking on the link above). Another group of scientists thinks it's a sign we, humans, are getting dumber. Our world is so technologically advanced we don't need to use our brains as much.

It's hard to say which camp is correct. You can decide for yourself. In the meantime, I will make sure my kids make it to the real bowling alley, tennis court, and tackle that rubik cube until they figure it out. Just doing my part to make sure humanity remains smart.

It's a new year!

" We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is called New Year's Day" ~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Happy New Year, everyone!

I am determined to write at least once a day on this blog. I often allow life to get in the way, then months pass by before I update it.

Writing is therapeutic for me, and God knows I need all the free therapy I can get!!! Between work, kids, and everything else; I often wonder how mothers don't go crazy before their children grow up.

2011 is full of promise, isn't it? Brand new, we have no idea what's in store for us. All we know is we get a chance to start over, to come up with a list of things we want to accomplish in this new year. We all have the New Year resolutions in our mind and we are certain this time we will get them all done!

I decided to come up with a simple list this year, mostly because the longer the list, the least likely I'll complete it.
My first one is to be more adventurous. Those who know me know I plan mostly everything. I'll think about it for weeks before I venture into something new. This year, I've decided I will try to be more spontaneous, which in my world means adventure. Plus I want to try a few things I haven't before like skydiving.

Number 2 on this list. Finish my novel. I started writing it but didn't finish. Who knew I had so much to say that a month would not be enough to finish saying it?

and last but not least, start running again. A few years back I trained for the Chicago Marathon. Yes, it was a whole lot of running. I know most people thought it was crazy. Truth be told, I miss those runs. Running is something you do alone, even if you have a running partner. It's you and the road. No one can run the distance for you, no one can pound the pavement for you. I specially liked the alone time that running afforded me. Alone time when you are a mother of 3 is a rare luxury.

So here is to 2011! May we all keep our resolutions!

If I had 15 minutes...

So, one of those random idea generators suggested I write on this topic.

If I had 15 minutes to evacuate my home before it was to be destroyed by a hurricane, what 10 things would I grab (not including people or pets)

Umm, cannot grab people (most important to me). So there goes #1-4.

1) Cell Phone so I could communicate with the rest of the family
2) Glasses/Contacts because I am blind without them.
3) Pictures- As many of those as possible, I would probably have each family member carry an arm load of them.
4) Full Water bottles
5) Undergarments for the whole family and as many items of clothing as possible.
6) External hard drive and the computer tower, because that's where most of our pictures are stored.
7) Passports
8) Wedding ring
9)Purse
10)Snacks.

I'm not sure 15 minute would be enough time in a hurricane situation. I'd be looking for a safe place to ride out the storm. By the time I got done gathering all these items, the storm would be at my house and I would not make it out. So scratch that. I'd be running out the door as fast as I could, and leaving everything but my family behind.

Pet Peeve- Christmas Cards

In the recent weeks, I have gotten 3 different sets of Christmas cards from three different charities who want me to give them money. I have never donated to their causes, I'm assuming they got my name from someone I have donated to. I don't know.
Each set had at least 5 nice cards, the envelopes, and one set even came with its matching labels.

Thing is, I have no intention of giving them any money. Or should I? These are nice cards and I could use them this upcoming Christmas. So does using them obligate me to donate? Should I feel guilty about sending them out when I know I didn't give them any money?

My pet peeve is they are wasting money printing cards and mailing them to folks like me, who probably will use them and don't give them a dime. How many of these have they sent? I wonder how much money this charity spends sending unwanted gifts to people in an effort to raise money.

Maybe they should use the money in their charity, rather than wasting it on me. The simple fact they are wasting the money on cards gives me the idea their overhead is too high and I probably don't want to give them money to waste on stuff like this.

So do I use the cards? Do I put them in the garbage? What is the appropriate etiquette?

Day 1- NanoWrimo

Day 1. First day of the 50k novel challenge. I'm excited and frightened all at once.

You see, I'm my own worst critic. I will nitpick every flaw and eventually convince myself that what I've done is simply not good enough. This whole novel writing in one month thing is going to challenge me to the core.

I suppose to write without editing. Not going back and changing things, or analyzing what you wrote. Just write, that's the command. Just write.

An outline would be helpful, except I have no clue what I want to write about. Do I base it on my life and then turn it into fiction? Do I just go off the deep end and write about something all its own?

I really don't know. So tonight, after everyone is tucked in bed, I will sit down and start. I will pick my main character and start from there. I'm not expecting to write the next bestseller, or even a novel worthy of publishing.

But everyone, each one of my favorite writers, started out somewhere. Who knows, this may be my start.

Trick or Treat

Every year I make a promise (to myself) that I will buy the costumes for next year as soon as they go on sale, and I will prepared for Halloween the following year.
Every year I forget all about it the minute it is over.

Last night found me at Wally World looking for a Batman costume. Of course they only had ONE and it was 100 times bigger than the boy who was going to wear it. Lots of Bat girl costumes though.

Wait, Bat Girl? Spider girl? Seriously?

I'm all for women equality. As a matter in fact, I have a career in a male dominated field. But come on! There is no Spider Girl, there is Spider MAN. There is nothing wrong with a girl wearing a Spider man costume if that's what she wants to be. No need to create super heroes that don't exist, so we can accommodate people's feelings.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Did not find Batman but found a Ninja costume, for the most adorable Asian-looking boy (and no, he is not Asian).

I was never fond of Halloween until I had kids. I guess since this wasn't something we did growing up, it was hard to get into the whole trick or treating thing. Until I had kids.

It's fun, the kids love dressing up and spooking each other, and the candy. Let's not forget the candy. So why are we starting to call it everything BUT Halloween? To make everyone happy. Are we going to start calling Thanksgiving something else too so we can be politically correct?

I like Halloween, I like the history behind it, but most of all, I like the excitement in my kids' face when they put their costumes on and become Spiderman, Ninjas and Vampires.
There is nothing evil about Halloween unless you make it evil. In my house, it's a fun day, when we get to be superheroes or scary people. I like that.

I think this year I'm going to be a tar ball, ha! Or a very tired engineer mom... Or a vampire...

What the heck is that?

They have been staring at me for weeks. I can hear them laughing and mocking me. All this time I've been in denial. Of course, it doesn't help when people try to convince me I'm "seeing things".

If you know me, you know I'm not one to freak out about age. I have adopted the philosophy that age is just a number, and you are only as old as you feel. Of course, that means there are days when I feel twice my age, and others when I pretend I'm still a college coed.

This philosophy has served me well until this morning, when I saw the multitude of gray hairs that have sprouted out in my head!

Why me? I come from a long line of women who barely have any gray hairs. My 90 year old grandmother probably has less gray hairs than I do at this point. So why me? Why should I get this gene when no one else did?

My hairdresser, my husband, my sister; they've all tried to convince me I'm seeing things. That I'm the only person who can see them. Yeah, right. It is hard to hide gray hairs on black background, ask me how I know.

I know, I know. What happened to my philosophy on age? It's still there. I still think I'm only as old as I feel. My issue is, how can I feel 10 years younger when my hair keeps reminding me how close I am to my next milestone birthday? Mother Nature is simply not cooperating with me.

If I were a guy, I guess this wouldn't really face me. It's not unusual for 30-something men to have a few grays here and there. It adds character, right? But I'm not a guy, and I like my hair the color it is, thankyouverymuch!

I've tried to evict these offending grays, but they refuse to leave. As a matter in fact, they've brought their whole families, and friends to inhabit my head. Did they not get the memo? I am NOT old enough to have gray hairs!

So, these holidays I plan on getting acquainted with Miss Clairol and all her peeps. If you see me wearing a hat, you'll know our get together may have not gone as planned.

Landlocked

I used to have an irrational fear of the ocean. When people find out, they usually ask "how is that possible, you grew up in Panama!".

Well, I'm not sure how it was possible but it was. For the majority of my life, I stayed away from the ocean. It didn't matter if the waves were 1or 12 feet high, I simply could not be near the water. It made me anxious, uneasy, just could not bear to be near.

As you can imagine, my vacations were not centered around the beach. I guess that is a good thing, as I've traveled quite a bit and seen many different places. It wasn't until a couple of years ago I finally faced my fear.

The time came to take my husband and kids to my home, to see the place where I was born, where I grew up. While there, I promised my daughter I would take her to see the Pacific Ocean.

I made good on that promise. It was there, standing in front of 12-15 ft waves, on the beach of my beloved Panama, where I faced my demons. I let the ocean speak to me, and calm my fears. It wasn't easy, I would be lying if I said the fear just went away in one instant. But the anxiety went away and I was able to actually enjoy the beauty of the ocean.

The following year, our family vacationed in Navarre Beach. Our first official beach vacation and one I'm glad we took. The water was gorgeous, white sandy beaches, and I was actually able to enjoy the sound of the waves.

Little did I know all of that would come in handy this year. I'm now rotating on a regular basis to the coast, to work on the oil spill response. Needless to say, if I hadn't gotten over my fear, I probably would have had to ask to be removed from this assignment. I definitely wouldn't have been able to drive along the coast, or get on a boat.

So I'm now back in my office and feeling landlocked. Wow. Who would have thought I'd miss the sound of the waves!!! But I do. I have come to enjoy driving along I-90, or just staring at the bay out of the office window.

Yeah, I miss the waves. If it wasn't for those pesky hurricanes, I would even consider moving closer to the water.

Resurrection

Not that kind of resurrection. I'm trying to bring this blog back to life. Don't you just hate it when life gets in the way of blogging? I do.

April 30th was the last time I updated this blog. Almost 3 months ago. Ten days after the oil spill in the Gulf began, isn't that something?

The past 3 months have been quite hectic and crazy, to say the least. We had piano, and dance recitals in May, birthday celebrations, and 2 trips to the Gulf coast to work on the oil spill response. Pretty much the same in June and July.

Because of my job, I've been traveling back and forth to the coast to "work" on the oil spill response. I say "work" because my job duties do not include removing tarballs/oil or operating skimmers, or anything of the sort. But still, however small my part is, it does require me to be away from my family for two weeks every month.

I bet you thought the spill only affected those who live at the coast, didn't you? Nope, it affects many of us who work for state agencies, specially those of us in the environmental field. I have learned quite a bit since I started working in these new duties, and I've met so many people. It has been a good experience overall, if one overlooks the obvious impact this has had on the environment and the economy of a region that has just begun to recover from Katrina.

Aside from work, I spent a wonderful week with my family in the Smoky Mountains. Wonderful doesn't even begin to describe it. We rented a cabin in the village of Cobbly Nob with the most amazing view of the Smokies. We were all in awe every morning when we looked out of the window. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Then there was the 2010 World Cup. I'm a huge soccer fan, and have been for as long as I can remember. Watching the games this year reminded me of my childhood for some reason. It was a memorable tournament to say the least. I'm looking forward to 2014. Not only it's a milestone year for me (I'll be turning 40!), but it's also the next World Cup in Brazil. I am hoping I will make it to Brazil, watching a World cup game live is one of those things on my " bucket list".

I am hoping to keep this blog updated. It gives me a much needed stress release, so here it's to hoping this blog is alive again!

Goals

I had one of those moments today, when I thought "wow, I'm actually doing just fine when it comes to this parenting thing".

My oldest child is finishing 2nd grade in a few weeks. As most schools, hers also participates in the Accelerated Reader program. They have to meet monthly goals in order to get their grades in Reading, but the kids who achieve 100 points during the school year have the opportunity to go on a field trip.

Last year, we didn't meet the goal of 100 points. We came close, somewhere around the 70s. It was our first year, she was still new to reading, and I was pretty proud of her because getting those points was not easy. You see, most books at her reading level are worth only 1/2 a point. Getting to 70 meant she had to read over 100 books, all while attending dance lessons, music lessons, and playing soccer.

When this school year began, she said she wanted to go on the field trip. I told her she could go as long as she did the work. I cannot read the books for her, nor can I take the tests for her. I explained she had to set her goal and stay committed to achieving it. And I told her I knew she could do it.

Today was award day at school. They were handed out certificates, and the Headmaster read outloud their total points for the Accelerated Reader program. I was so proud when she said my daughter's name and her total points: 178.4

I can tell you getting all those points was all her doing. I did not nag her to read, I didn't have to remind her, or yell and scream at her to do her work. She knew she wanted to go on that field trip and shortly after the Christmas holiday, she arrived at the 100 points mark.

But she didn't stop there. She decided to see if she could get to 200 points before awards day. I once again reminded her she has a busy schedule, other activities to tend to, and that I would be proud of her regardless.

She didn't get to 200 points but that really doesn't matter to either of us. She was beaming, very proud of her accomplishment. I was very proud of her because I know she earned it on her own. Yes, I bought some of the books she read, and took her to the library to get books too. But this was all her doing.

I'm elated that my child got to the experience the pride one feels when accomplishing a goal.

Birthdays

My twin boys are about to celebrate another birthday. Number 4. It's hard to believe they are already 4 but at the same time, I'm glad to watch them become more and more independent.

Growing up, birthdays were a big deal in my family. It was a big reason to celebrate, the fact you had been born. I grew up loving birthdays and loving celebrating them.

I have a vague memory of my 3rd birthday party. I remember the 20+ kids from all over the neighborhood, and their parents all in the front yard of our tiny duplex. It was a celebration of my birth! We had music, food, cake, and even a giant pinata shaped like a rabbit.
I don't remember the details, but I have seen the pictures of me crying, holding on to my pinata as if it was a lifesaving device. My older sisters like to tell the story. Apparently I did not want to share my rabbit with any other kid. Well, pinatas are meant to be hit with a stick until they burst and the candy come out. Imagine being 3 years old and being told the kids in the neighborhood are about to murder your giant bunny.

The fact is we always celebrate birthdays in a big way. As I got older and money became scarce, mom always made sure we had at least a cake. I learned to appreciate the gesture of a birthday rather than the decorations, pinatas and gifts.

I'm now a mother trying to figure out the correct way to celebrate my kids' birthdays. Have you hosted a kid's party recently? You will spend a small fortune in a simple birthday party. I've read articles about parents spending up to $10 grand for a kid's party. Seriously? Are we teaching our kids that putting on a show is more important than having a good time, celebrating with friends and family?

It's a hard balance between being reasonable and wanting your child to be happy. Kids want to have a bigger and better party than the one "Joe" had, a more exciting party. Having a party at home, in your own backyard has become the exception, not the norm.

I'll admit I'm one of those parents who has parties away from home, mainly because I work outside the home, and hosting a party means cleaning the house before and after the party, and trying to keep kids out of the laundry room, my room, or the bathrooms.

I just wish there was a more affordable way to celebrate birthdays. Parties have become exclusive, most places will quote you a price for X number of kids, and you have to pay extra for each child over than number. Depending on the child's age, most kids have more than 8 friends, they want everyone in their class to be there and celebrate.

Affordable celebrations should be fun without a huge price tag, and should bring happiness to the child and to the parents without breaking the bank.

I'm getting ready to plan my twin's party at home. They are too young to go skating, and such; so for now I'll enjoy the savings of hosting the party. And the "joy" of cleaning the house.

Change and Possibility

I'll be the first to admit I don't like change. Mostly because I like to research, and research, and research some more before I make a decision about anything. So when change happens, and I haven't done my research, it rattles me and leaves me without a map.
But change brings possibility right along with it. It is always there, if I just remain calm, I will find it.

In the last month, our family has been going through many changes. Some of them were planned (by yours truly) mostly, others were a long time coming, and I just had to step back and allow them to happen. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been nervous about it. I have, I'm human, and it's in my nature.

But I've been trying to stop and smell the roses, find the possibilities, the new world that these changes have been opening up for us.

My family has found a new place to worship, together as a family. It may seem trivial to you, it isn't so for me. Being able to worship as a family is one of those "big ticket items" on my list of things families do together. Perhaps it is because I never had that as a child, but I want my kids to grow up believing in something bigger than themselves. I guess I want to lay the foundation, they'll finish building once they get old enough to make their decisions.

This new change hasn't been easy for me. Kids adapt easier, and even my husband has. This change has meant stepping in faith into a new beginning. Cutting ties with what I've known my entire life, and opening up to a world of possibilities in this new life.

We've also found ourselves busier than ever, both my husband and I. Work has been multiplying for him, which is a blessing in these hard economic times. It's easy for me to sit and complain because I don't get to spend a lot of time with him because he is busy. But this too brings lots of possibilities along with it. Maybe we'll get to move into a new house sooner than we anticipated, maybe we'll get to do other things we thought we'd have to put off a few more years.

Changes isn't always easy. But I've found it doesn't always has to be nerve-wracking, bite-your-nails change. It can also be full of possibilities, of new beginnings, of beauty and blessings.