My kids are perfect... NOT!

Do you ever hear your parents voice inside your head, saying something to you about how to behave when you were at someone else's house?  I do, all the time.

My parents were very clear about their expectations of me.  When it came to school grades and my behavior while at school, there was no doubt I needed to be at my best.  They didn't necessarily expect straight As, they did expect me to do my very best always.

The same extended to my behavior outside the house.  I was a "reflection of them" when I was not at home.  If I misbehaved, it reflected badly on them as parents.  My parents were far from perfect but I knew they were serious about their expectations of me. I always knew I had to be polite when I was at someone's house, to say please  and thank you, and to be respectful of all elders, regardless of who they were.

It is now my turn to be a parent, and to remind my kids they are a reflection of me when they are outside our home.  They are expected to be polite and respectful at all times, and I expect any adult who sees them acting like brats to tell me so I can address it.

I'm not naive to think my kids are perfect.  They can drive me crazy in a millisecond, and there is very little (if anything!) that you can tell me about them that I don't already know.  If someone tells them they have said something rude or have misbehaved while in their presence, my children know I will take that very seriously.  Every time they are going somewhere without me they get the "speech" as to how they need to behave.

Do they always behave when I'm not around?  I'm sure they have moments but hopefully those are far and few in between.  And hopefully the adults supervising them have said something to them (and to me!) so we can correct the issue.

Kids are kids, I get that.  Even adults act like brats from time to time.  But it never ceases to amaze me when I see  children who act like idiots without so much as a "look" from their parents.  They have no respect for their own parents, much less any other adult.  It doesn't matter where they are; they act as if they rule the world and the rest of us in it.  

I know kids get unruly, mine do, specially in a group of kids.  I'm talking about more than unruly. I'm talking disrespectful.  Ignoring adults trying to redirect their actions, or behaviors, and just doing whatever they want to do.  

The thing that bothers me most?  When the parent is either watching and does nothing or is told about it, and actually looks upset to hear their precious angel is anything but.  Do they really think their kids are perfect?  

I think most people who know me and know my kids know they can tell me when my precious angels misbehave and expect me to do something about it.  Most of the time that something involves an apology to that teacher, church volunteer, whoever they have disrespected with their behavior.  Am I too hard on my kids?  I don't think so.  I don't want them to grow up thinking they are entitled to act like brats any time they want.  I certainly don't like putting up with brats that belong to me, much less brats who belong to other people.

I'm not sure when parents stopped telling their kids how to behave.  Or why some parents think their kids are entitled to disrespect other people without so much as a "don't do that" look.  
Kids will act like kids but there are things (like raising your voice to an adult, or ignoring what they are telling you) that are big no-no in my book.  

So if you are ever around my kids and they act like fools, please tell me.  I promise I will address the issue and you will have my respect for bringing it to my attention.  If I tell you your kids have been disrespectful, I hope you extend me the same courtesy.  
 

Working mother???

From time to time, the whole "working mother" dilemma raises up its ugly head and gets me all worked up.

You see, all mothers are working mothers. I have yet to meet one that didn't work. Being a working mom is part of the deal. It starts with feeding that tiny baby and it gets more demanding as the kids get older.
There are no sick days, no holidays, no vacation days. When you are sick, your "job" is still there, and boy, they expect you to take care of them just as if nothing was happening. Holidays? I'm willing to bet we work overtime without any extra pay. As for vacations, who else takes work with them on vacation?. Enough said.

You see, aside from being a mother, I am also an environmental engineer. I love what I do, I have the privilege of taking care of this beautiful earth God has entrusted us, and get paid for it. It is not easy to juggle a home with a job outside the house, but I feel my kids are well adjusted and know just how much I love them.

The part that aggravates me and gets me all riled up is when people assume that mothers who have a paid job outside their homes care less about their kids than those who can stay home with them. Let's get real. In today's world, it is very common for both parents to work in order to provide for their kids a good education, a comfortable home, and put food on the table. We are no exception to that.

We don't own fancy cars, we don't dress in expensive clothes, or take lavish vacations. We live within our means, and share our blessings with those less fortunate whenever we have a chance. The fact still remains I have to work. I just happen to be lucky enough to LOVE my job too.

That doesn't mean I don't love my kids. There is nothing I would not do for them. Except allowing them to go without food, or get less than an exceptional education. That I will not allow, specially when I am capable and willing to work to provide for them.

So yeah, I get insulted when people assume I work because I don't like being home with the kids. Or because my career is more important to me than the kids are. But the insult is even worse when it comes from another mother, one who is fortunate enough to be able to stay home with her kids.

Why must mothers put other mothers down? We are all in this together. I have good friends who work outside the home just like I do, and good friends who stay home with the kids. We are all on the same boat, trying to do what is best for our kids.

I know, we all tell ourselves our choices are the best choices. Some of us think our choice to work and provide a little extra for our kids is best; while others think staying home with them is the best decision. Whatever works for you and your family is the best decision, there is no "one choice fits all" in this situation.

So if you are a mom, regardless of whether you get a paycheck at your job, or your paycheck comes in hugs and kisses, please remember: We are all mothers, we all love our kids, and we are all in this together.

Life with Children

Never a dull moment when it comes to my life. My kids have a bag full of "surprises" hidden somewhere, I'm certain of it.

Last night I had a battle of wills with one of my boys. He decided that instead of dinner, he wanted hot cocoa. With marshmallows. I nicely told him he could have some IF he ate his dinner. You would have thought I had sentenced him to torture and death. He started screaming at the dinner table. His twin brother started singing "cry baby, cry baby, suck your thumb" which only prompted louder screams. His sister told him to stop crying, they wanted to eat in peace.

I kept trying to reason with him but have you ever tried to reason with a 3 yr old? Achieving world peace is a lot easier. Finally I told him he could go and cry in his room because the rest of us were trying to have a nice dinner. Off he went, screaming as loudly as he could. 20 minutes later, he came out of his room and told me he was going to eat his dinner. No more crying, no mention of the hot cocoa. He ate half of it (which was more than I expected him to eat), and a few minutes later "reminded me" I had promised he could have hot cocoa if he ate. I made good on that promise and all 3 of them got a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows.

Back in my day, my parents would have made me sit at the dinner table until I ate everything on my plate and I probably wouldn't have gotten any hot cocoa. I vividly remember the battles I had with my parents over eating my vegetables. I sat many times for over an hour at the table, alone, because I refused to eat what was on my plate.

Considering how stubborn I was (or am, depending who you ask), I know better than to use that tactic with my own kids. I'm afraid they would end up sleeping at the dinner table and the plate of food would look exactly the same as when I put it on the table.

I know they are asserting their independence and trying to see how far it really goes. I guess you could say having newborn twins desensitize me to their cries. I can tune them out and they are figuring out tears do not work with me. But I'm only human, and from time to time, it gets to me and I lose my patience.

I'm not a model of parenthood, I'm just doing what I can to keep my sanity. Having three kids definitely makes things a little more challenging. Had I had only one kid, I may have given in and hot cocoa and crackers would have been dinner. But with 3, what's good for one is good for all of them, at least most of the time. The other two are watching and they will remember how you let that one get away with whatever it was. It could be something as insignificant as sitting at a different chair at dinner time, they will remember it and use it later on to get their way.

Since the owner manuals that suppose to come with these kids was lost in the mail, I'll just continue to use the "trial and error" method and hope my kids won't have to spend too much money in therapy because I refuse to let them have hot cocoa for dinner.

Adventure at the mall

I decided to venture out of the house with all three of the kids yesterday. I'm pretty certain my husband thought I had lost my mind. My friend Veronica was very quick to point out how "brave" I was to go to the mall with not just one but three kids in tow.

I kept telling myself I could handle this. This isn't international travel, it is just a trip to Northpark. How bad could it be?

We arrived at Northpark and I unloaded the double stroller. I told all the kids what behavior I was expecting from them and the consequences they would face if they misbehaved. There was nothing but silence in the backseat of the car as I started to unload them, one by one.

First stop was the food court. Every time my daughter and I head out together we have lunch either at McAlister's or Chick Fil A. Neither of these have a branch near our house, so it is a special treat. We ordered her lunch from McAlister's and got a table. The boys quickly decided they didn't need the stroller, and sat at the table. For a few minutes, I debated with myself. Do I wait for Candace to be finished with her food before I go order some Chick Fil A for the twins, do I leave the twins at the table with her, do I take the twins with me, do I take them all with me?

Decisions, decisions. Candace has been trained when it comes to strangers and what to do. Besides, the table was near enough I could see her while ordering food for the twins. So I took the boys with me, we ordered while watching her, and came back to the table. First obstacle had been conquered.

They got back in the stroller and we headed to find Santa Claus. Everyone was excited to see him, including me. I was daydreaming of the money I would spend ordering pictures with Santa. I didn't even notice the stares that met us everywhere we went, we were going to see Santa!

We arrived, and Cade decided he was having nothing to do with the white-bearded man. He wouldn't even look at him, much less get close. I couldn't even get the other two in there, because this kid was screaming at the sight of Santa.

So we left. He calmed down, we did some window shopping, tried to do some real shopping but they kept insisting in helping me. Thanks but I'm tired of putting things back on the racks. We did manage to get an ornament for our tree and an outfit for Candace. They had a great time, we ate cotton candy and they didn't even noticed the stares.

What's with the stares anyway? I get that they are twins, and they will get attention but these days, with fertility treatments and such, multiples are a lot more common. It seems people can't help themselves. Thankfully, they don't notice yet the unwanted attention they receive. I keep telling myself people stare because they are just too cute to go unnoticed!

People sometimes ask me how I do it. I don't have an answer for that. How does any mom do it? I don't think I'm "special" because I have twins, I'm just a mom like any other. Yes, I had to juggle feeding two babies at once, double the amount of diapers, bottles, and clothes. I had to learn to remain calm when both of them were screaming at once, and figure out how to juggle time with Candace so she wouldn't feel neglected.

But all moms juggle their share of challenges. They all manage. I'm not special. I am just a mom

IF

If I didn't have kids, I would
* Sleep as late as I could on weekends
* Have a spotlessly clean house
* Spend lots of money in clothes, purses, and shoes
* Drive a convertible
* Take fabulous vacations every year
* Eat out at expensive places
* Go out of town on the weekends
* Go back to school
* Read more books

BUT if I wasn't a mother, I wouldn't know
* the joy of cuddling with my kids and watching cartoons on Saturday morning.
* the pride in my children's eyes when they show me their latest masterpiece drawn in the living room wall.
* the joy of buying clothes for that little person growing inside of me.
* what loving unconditionally feels like.
* I would have never discovered how good chicken nuggets from Chick Fil A are, or how much fun it is to collect the toys inside a Happy Meal.
* the sounds of my children's laughter in the backseat of my car would be unknown to me.
* that indescribable feeling I felt when I took my children to my homeland
* I would have missed the sparkle in their eyes when they saw the ocean for the first time.
* I would not know how chaotic and fun a family meal at home can truly be.
* I wouldn't have a first grader teaching me how to properly pronounce words in English
* I would have never read the Cat in the Hat, or even know who Dr. Seuss was.
* I wouldn't know that an old, tore up bear, can keep all the monsters away at night.
* I would have never known what it feels like to have a little pair of arms tightly wrapped around my neck.
* the joy of hearing "I love you" for the first time
* the pride of watching them in their first dance recital, or scoring their first goal, or playing their first song in the piano.
* how the cry of a child in the middle of the night will wake you from the deepest of sleeps.

If I wasn't a mother, I would have never known love can have no boundaries.

Change is good

I'm still looking for 6 extra hours in the day, so I can have plenty of time to update this blog.

A lot of changes going on everywhere. Fall is in the air. Not only are the seasons changing, there is change in Wall Street, we have an election coming up, change is definitely in the air.

There are a lot of changes going on at home too. New opportunities in the horizon, some fading away. We are getting ready to write new chapters at home, that's for sure.

My husband has joined the ranks of Stay at Home Dads. He will be staying home, tending to the kids and all the other things that surface day to day. He definitely now has the hardest job there is, and I truly admire him for making this decision.
The adjustment will be hard, I'm certain of it. But I know the kids are going to love having daddy around all the time and having him take care of them rather than daycare.
I also know one day, when they are all grown up, they will cherish those times with dad and will admire him for the decision he made to stay home with them.

My daughter is taking piano lessons, so our house is now filled with the sound of music. She has a innate ability for music, and has taken up piano very quickly. She is growing up before my own eyes, and I'm in awe at the person she is becoming.
I know she will love having her dad around all the time, and I know this will have a great impact on her in the years to come.

The twins will also be adjusting. They will be staying home with dad, and learning how to be good men from dad.

And I will be adjusting to my new role as well. I hope I remember to be supportive of him, and to never take him or his job for granted.

Working and parenting

If you have been watching the news lately, this has been a hot topic lately, because of Sarah Palin's nomination as VP for the GOP.

First, let me say this blog is not about politics. I don't agree with Palin's viewpoints, and this has nothing to do with her qualifications to be a potential VP.

I am, however, a working mother like her. I juggle a career and motherhood the same way she does. Since her nomination, I have heard (in several TV newscasts) reporters questioning whether she would be able to perform as a VP, not because of her experience but because she is a MOTHER.

As if the simple fact she has kids makes her less qualified to perform a job. Like I said, I'm not one of her fans and you won't hear me sing her praises or pledging my support. But I do think it's unfair to assume that because she is a mother, she is incapable of doing a good job, regardless of what that job may be.

As a working mother, I have had to endure my share of comments from people "oh, I'm so SORRY you have to work", or "you must have no time to do X, Y, Z with the kids".
Or they'll make comments about my kids being cared for by other people, or about me loving my career more than my children.

Most of the time, these comments are ignored because I know what's true, and because I don't feel these people deserve an explanation as to the reason for my choices.

Now that a working mother has been put in the spotlight, the same old question has come up again, can a woman have it all? Has anyone questioned whether a man can be a good father and also the President of this country? Does anyone ever question whether a man can have it all, a happy family and a good career?

Being a working mother is not easy, it is a juggling act. We struggle to be the best mothers, best wives, and still have a successful career. Our cars are overrun by toys, books, backpacks, and empty juice boxes. So are our houses. There are toys in the kitchen, and cups in the bedrooms. There are piles of laundry waiting to be done, and piles of clothes waiting to be folded. Most of the time, we hope people will call ahead before visiting so we can at least pick up some of the mess. There are crayon markings on our walls, and fingerprints on the windows, and probably cheerios under the cushions of the sofa.

Make no mistake, we are not lazy. Our houses are not a wreck because we can't handle a career and a home. They are a mess, at least mine is, because we CHOOSE to spend our free time with our kids. We rather snuggle under a blanket and watch Mary Poppins for the 1000th time than clean the house, or do the laundry. We rather go to soccer games, or dance practice, or listen to our kids practice their piano lessons, than stress over how our house may look if someone shows up.

What kind of mothers we are have nothing to do with what we do for a living. I have known mothers who stay home and spend no time with their kids (and will admit so). The kids are in front of the TV while they are preoccupied with keeping up with the Joneses. I have met other moms who make me want to stay home and imitate them. I have met working mothers who make it look easy, and who will be happy to give you the number to their cleaning ladies.

I don't believe my qualifications as an engineer depend on whether or not I have a family, the same way I don't think Sarah Palin's depend on her having one. We must stop putting working mothers down, or making them feel as if they don't love their kids enough. There are many of us who work because we have to and not because we want to. There are many of us who chose to work because we feel we can make a difference in this world, and want our kids to believe they, too, can have it all.Even if having it all means having a house in disarray.

I am proud of being a working mother. One day, my daughter will have to make her own decision, and my sons will be able to support their wives in their decisions, and I hope it will be because I set a good example. Whatever those decisions are, I hope they understand they too can have it all.

Instructions book missing...

The parenting instruction manuals are missing. You know, the ones that suppose to come with the kids? The ones that tell how to "troubleshoot" when things arise? That one. Mine are missing. None of my kids had one with them. How am I suppose to know what to do when they "malfunction"?

A manual would have come in handy yesterday.

I arrived at daycare to find one of the boys on timeout. Apparently he had decided to climb on a table, and when the teacher asked him to get down, he laughed at her. I know that routine all too well. He has done this before, he is a daredevil. Or may be he thinks he is Superman. I'm of the opinion it's never too early to teach your kids how to behave, so we have been using timeouts and whatever else works for a while. Let's hope it works.

Next stop was school, to pick up my darling daughter. As I walked into the aftercare room, the director tells me she needs to speak with me outside. Oh brother, this can't be good. I quickly try to figure out what could she possibly have to say. Have we paid aftercare? Did we forget to send something she requested? Quickly, I figure out everything should be in order, and with a clueless look on my face, I wait to hear what she has to say.

My sweet child was sent to the Headmaster's office yesterday. Her offense: She decided to moon the entire playground, along with 3 of her friends.

I stood in that hallway wondering if I had heard correctly. Are we talking about the same kid? My sweet, innocent, always polite and well mannered daughter mooned the playground? There has to be some mistake, she is a girl and girls just don't do that!

I picked up my jaw from the floor and thanked the director for letting me know what happened. She asked me not to be too harsh on the child. She thinks having to talk to the Headmaster will make the kids behave from this point forward.

As I drove home, I could not wrap my brain around the incident. What could she possibly be thinking? What am I suppose to do now? Had it been someone else's kid, I would have laughed histerically and wish them luck. Laughter isn't exactly the reaction I am experiencing. Did I fail her as a parent? Have I not taught her what she needs to know about modesty and good manners?

We arrived home, where I proceeded to notify her father of the events of the day. He is also flabbergasted.

I told the child we would talk after the twins were in the bed, mainly because I need to make a few phone calls and find out HOW to handle this incident. My manual is missing, and I'm not sure what to do!

Apparently my mom found her manual after we were all grown because what she suggested didn't sound anything like what she did when were kids. She said I should ask the kid why she did it and not be too harsh. Who is this woman and where is my mother? My mother would have punish me first and ask questions later, simply because no matter what our reason was, the end result was the same.

I told my mother (or the alien who had invaded her body for a few minutes) Thanks and went to my daughter's room to find out the details. I need to know what happened, hopefully the story will give me ideas on what to do next.

Apparently, the boy in the group asked the girls to dare him to use the bathroom in the playground. They did. As he was using it, they decided to stand with him in solidarity and pull their pants down. Not to relieve themselves, just to show their support I guess.

I know you are laughing. I would be too if it wasn't my kid.

I told her why her behavior was wrong, and why I will not tolerate any more of it. I don't want to hear again that she has visited the Headmaster's office, unless she is being given an award. There will also be punishment and extra chores for her to do around the house.

Let's hope the punishment and my speech will teach her a lesson, and we don't have to worry about this ever again.

I'm still looking for the manual that should have come with her, and definitely need the one that should have come with the twins. God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get.

So if you have a manual, do you care to share it with me?